single mum of 3 beautiful children....... I have new hopes, aspirations and dreams, 1st to get debt free, pay off my mortgage, get healthy, buy a new car (accomplished), do some much needed home improvements- phewwww - deep breath.. and spend more time with my children. In July 2011 I took redundancy due to restructuring at work, and from 31st August 2011 I was no longer a teacher.

I have used this opportunity to set up my own home based childcare business which will mean a very big pay cut, but at the same time will give me the opportunity to raise my own children, and home educate my youngest. So I am going to have to realise my dreams with a little inginuity and and a new frugal lifestyle, so this is my journey......

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Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Monday ramblings about me...

The weather is miserable today so we have mainly stayed indoors. In fact Lil lady and I were curled up most of the day on my bed reading books. This is unusual for me as I have not used my bedroom properly for years. It has turned into a dumping ground and a place I pass out in at night times and that is it.

Over the past month or so, I have started to reclaim the room as my sanctuary, specially as the children are older, I have my books to read, my knitting, a small TV if I need it, but mainly I read or write. It was strange at first, strange shutting my self off, and learning to relax, but I am enjoying just spending my time just being, living it slow and simply.

I lost myself a little, well a lot really during and after my relationship with Lil lady's "Dad", I retreated into myself and lost track of even the most simple of things, listening to music, reading books, going out dancing, looking after myself. In essence you could say I lost myself. The very core of me.

The last 5 years have been an uphill struggle, financially but even more so emotionally, and I am still not out of the woods. I still have a hell of a long way to go. Each day I get stronger, some days I retreat again, but I always make sure I push myself forward as soon as I can so I don't drift backwards into my own personal hell.

I am liking who I am becoming now, I will never get back who I used to be, life's trials have a way of fundamentally changing who we are, that is not necessarily a bad thing, I never want to go back to the old me, because even though life over the past 10 years rocked me to the core, and had me contemplating not wanting to live it any longer, all that pain and hurt helped me to look at life in a totally different perspective.

It gave me the strength to slow down, to put myself and my children first, to view life a little differently, to treasure the briefest of moments, and natures beauty, to value myself , and relish in my children. To be able to wake up and find Lil lady curl up next to me peacefully sleeping, or see her face light up in wonder or happiness, it takes my breath away. To watch Mini Man read, and then see this emerging personality that is rich in imagination and humour fills me with delight, and then Big Bit, pride...sheer pride, and then some days I can be getting on with my daily chores and as I glance up I an struck by just how beautiful she is, her whole being.

For many many years I have hidden behind my children, where it is safe, I have spent my life consumed by their needs, isn't that what a mother is supposed to do? Somewhat yes, but I have used being Mum to not have to focus on the bigger picture of me, and although I have known this, I have not been willing to acknowledge it fully, as it is scary.

Reclaiming my room feels good, but it is scary too. As the children are getting older and more independent I find myself with pockets of time. Time as always been my enemy, and I filled it with busying myself with the children so as not to think about me. This has always been my coping mechanism, and has served me well for years it got me through the death of my mother, and some awful events over the past 10 years, but now I don't have so much to do for them that consumes me all the time.

So I am starting small, as with anything, and learning all over again what I like, how to be in my own company and  who I am as an individual and not just Mum ............


7 comments:

  1. It sounds like you are doing just fine finding yourself, making time to just be is a good idea and having your own bit of peaceful space is all a part of that .I can empathise with you totally as 10 + years ago I was in exactly the place you are now. You are a strong person and all those things that have been hard in the past have made you that way, but if you can still appreciate the small things and find beauty in the world around you then you have survived the bad times.See all that effort, energy and love you put into your children - now you need to do the same for yourself, bit by bit you will find the real you xx

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  2. I think you are brilliant. You have three children to be very proud of, and believe me it's all down to your influence. I think we women do hide behind our kids and forget that we are allowed to think of ourselves once in a while.

    Enjoy time to yourself in your room and rejoice in the fact that you are doing a great job. I wish I had had your determination and resolve when my kids were little. Onwards and upwards girl.

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  3. A lovely post xxx I hope you can find a way to enjoy reclaiming your room and eventually yourself. The best thing we can teach our children is to value themselves and that starts with us valuing ourselves - something I too struggle with xxx

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  4. Hi, hoping that you are OK and just busy atm. x

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    1. I am good, hoping to post lots in December, just been taking a breather and catching up with life offline. Not having a laptop yet has helped with that x

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  6. Takes a while to find the old you, I know only too well but she's there and will come back slowly. You are doing so well, relax, enjoy, breathe. Good luck. X

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I am sorry but due to the amount of spam messages I no longer accept Anonymous comments. I do appreciate you stopping by, reading my ramblings and saying hello. Sharon x